Springing into Girly World

You is sitting on a couch, staring into the fireplace. Enter Cheryl, stage left. Cheryl comes bounding into living room with an annoyingly huge smile on her face. You feels at once uneasy and ready to kick her teeth in.

CHERYL: (Flops down on the couch beside You and cocks her head to the side.) So, did you know that I'm ridiculously deep in the throes of Spring Break?

YOU: I thought everyone's break began today. Aaaaand, I'm not sure how you can consider one day "deep in the throes". It's very Anne of Green Gables of you, though.

CHERYL: No, nincompoop! (Throws fancy red pillow and You gets hit in the teeth with one of the dangly glass beads) This is my second week of Spring Break! Tomorrow will be my SECOND Tuesday of sleeping in, making fresh coffee, and going bra-less until at least 4 pm.

YOU: Arraughhhhh!! First of all, that's too much information. Secondly, I hate you for numerous reasons. I really do. Now, get off my couch -- you disgust me. (Pushes Cheryl with foot forcefully)

Cheryl obligingly gets off couch and relocates to floor, where she props herself up on one elbow.

CHERYL: You know, I'm sensing jealousy. You haven't even heard what else I've been doing over the past week.

YOU: Fine. Because I so desire to live vicariously through you, I might as well know what to expect.

CHERYL: Yes, yes, yes. So wise you are. Anyway, Andy and I have finally nailed down a date for our wedding.

YOU: Didn't you get engaged, like, over a month ago?

CHERYL: Er, yes, but... (makes a "shut up, I know you're totally right but I can't think of a good comeback" face) ... it's hard to come up with a venue. ANYway, we've booked a lovely place for August 10.

YOU: The 10th, eh? I'm so shocked. Does Andy know about your obsession with multiples of five? Cuz if he --

CHERYL: (Cutting him off) I told him all that stuff on, like, our first date or something. He finds it cute that I have a bit of OCD. And besides, if constantly counting everything in sight doesn't turn a man on, I don't know what will. And the number ten just happens to be near perfection - so fitting to begin our life of nupital bliss.

YOU: You are unreal. Does he also find your horrible obsession with puns cute, too?

CHERYL: Yes, he loves them. He told me if I stopped punning he would become a lost, hollow shell of a man. It's sort of pathetic how much he needs to hear them, actually. I often fear I'll experience performance anxiety, but so far I can keep 'em comin'. I will admit, however, to the exhaustion that constantly weaving magic out of words can bring me.

YOU: (Sarcastically) Yes, you make amazing puns. Everyone thinks so. And, you know, clearly you and Andy are meant to be together if he loves them so. But anyway, I don't want to give puns any more attention than they deserve, so what other stuff are you going to force me to hear?

CHERYL: Right. (Cheryl experiences a thought) OHHHHHHHH!!!!! (Reaches over and smacks You on the leg) I bought my dress today!

YOU: Like, THE dress?

CHERYL: Yes. And it's dreamy.

YOU: I could pretend right now I really cared about the details of your dress, but I really don't.

CHERYL: Fine. I don't want to explain it too much, anyway, just in case I start to get sick of looking at it in my head.

YOU: Yeah, I heard that you shouldn't try your wedding dress on more than three times or something -- brides have a tendency to second guess themselves. There are so many fabulous frocks out there.

CHERYL: Yeah, I heard that, too. But I can't imagine wanting to try it on a million times. It's a lot of work. Oh!! But I will tell you to really think about what underwear you put on the day you go try on dresses. Let's just say I didn't and had to apologize to the poor Italian dress helper lady. Awkward.

YOU: Yes, I can imagine -- rather unfortunately. (Thoughtful pause) You know, Cheryl, I'm actually impressed at the perfect balance of sloth and productivity you've managed to maintain over your break. I'm almost getting teary eyed, you inspire me so.

CHERYL: "You bring meaning to my life, you're my inspira-a-tionnnnnnnnnnnn."

YOU: No, that will bring on a different kind of tear, entirely!

the end.